*NSYNC Fan Fiction
If You Only Knew
By AshleyChapter 1
I refuse to show it. I'm stronger than this. I'm stronger than the media, and the fans. I'm stronger then Jenna, and all of those other girls...And I'm stronger than him...At least I've convince myself of that. And I seem to have convinced everyone around me that I am. Even Felicia has marveled at how well I've taken this breakup. But the truth is, I'm not taking it well at all. I'm giving them all an illusion so that they don't worry about me. Because the more I hear, "Are you okay?" or "What happened?"...the more I think of him...And the more I miss him...and the more I realize that I'm not as strong as I seem.There it is...that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That emptiness and despair. I've gotten used to feeling it over the past while. Every time he enters my mind, I feel it. And he enters my mind often. But of course, my illusion keeps me from revealing that...
Britney shook her head in a desperate attempt to whip him from her mind, knowing it was all in vain. She sighed in frustration, "Oh, GO AWAY!!!" She said aloud, and Felicia looked at her curiously. Britney opened her mouth to explain, but Felicia shook her head.
"You can say it Britney, I know your not taking all of this like you want people to think." She told her.
"I don't know what your talking about Fe." Britney said with a shrug, and she moved away from the window she had been looking out of, going into the other room.
The illusion might have worked for the first few weeks, but now the wall she had built around her heart was crumbling, and she found herself thinking about him more and more. And she couldn't hide it. Her defenses were crumbling, and she knew it. The open vulnerability that she felt, scared her, because she knew if the right person saw it; at any moment the entire wall would come down, and she wouldn't make it through this without hurting....more.
In an attempt to take her mind away from him, Britney turned on the TV in her hotel room. The Five o'clock news was on.
"...And in Los Angeles local news, crowds of teenage girls are lining the streets tonight for the midnight release of Justin Timberlake's solo debut album. The Nsyncer announced in the middle of last year that he was going to create a solo album, and Nsync fans around the globe are"
"Are what?" Britney asked the TV bitterly, as she shut if off. "Going to find out what kind of a man Justin Timberlake REALLY is?"
Britney started throwing clothes in her bag, she wouldn't think about him, she was going to think about going home, to see her mama. Her mama always knew what to say...Yes...Think about going home.
Justin had been so excited about the release of his album. He and Britney had planned the party for tonight, even back in December...
"Britney STOP IT!" She told herself. "Why can't I get him out of my head! I swear I would kill him if I had the chance." She said it, but she knew she wouldn't ever do that.
Think about going home Brit...Mama and Jamie Lynn in the big house. Bryan might even come and visit. And I can go see Dad at the old house....Where Justin first came to visit...Britney stop it! Think about home!
Laura Lynn and I will go shopping, and I need to get a new ring to replace...Don't you even think it.
A new ring to replace the one Justin gave you? Is that what this has come to Britney Spears? You don't want to replace Justin, you want...Stop it now! It doesn't matter what I want, Justin chose to do what he did, it wasn't my fault...Justin...NO home. Let's see, I'll see Aunt Sandra, and Courtney, and Jansen...
Britney tried to keep her thoughts on that. Home. She was going back to Kentwood during her week off.
Yes, home.
Okay, so the only reason she was going home was because Justin was coming to Los Angeles that night (Part of his CD party plans) but that's how it was.
And that's how it's going to stay. When Justin's in LA, I'm in Miami. When he's in New York, I'm in LA. I'm keeping myself and my heart as far away from him as I can.
But it sure does hurt doesn't it?
"Oh shut up." Britney told her thoughts, as she forcefully closed her suitcase, hearing a car drive up to the front of the house she was staying in.
Big Rob came in and gathered her suitcases as she donned sunglasses and a hat.
"Ready to go?" Felicia asked her as she came to the door.
"Yep." Britney replied with fake cheerfulness.
"What do you mean something is wrong with the plane!" Britney yelled to the pilot of her private jet, though she instantly regretted it. Her yell brought attention to her, and she quieted her voice. "So I can't go home?" she looked around nervously, she didn't know what time Justin's flight came in, but this wasn't her favorite time to be stuck in the airport. "Felicia DO SOMETHING!" She turned to her long time friend.
"What exactly do you want me to do, Britney?" Felicia asked her with practiced patience that Britney knew she didn't deserve.
"Can't we fly commercial or something?" Britney asked, getting silently excited about doing something 'normal'.
Felicia looked at Britney like she was crazy, and giving her that look; the one that was meant to remind Britney who she really was. But then, she smiled and nodded. If anyone knew the chaos of being Britney Spears, it was Felicia. And she also knows that sometimes, all Britney wants is to be normal. And right now, sitting in the cramped up coach seat of the jetliner is as close to normal as she could get. Even if it was also an excuse to get out of here before Justin lands in the city.
Felicia went to the nearest ticket counter. "I need three tickets for the next flight to Louisiana." She told the lady behind the counter.
The lady punched a few keys on her computer. "I'm sorry, all the flights to Louisiana are full ma'am." She said, smacking the bright pink bubble gum in her mouth.
Felicia turned back to Britney, but then had a thought, she turned back to the lady. "What about flights to Utah?"
Britney waited impatiently for Felicia to get tickets. Going home would be good for her, she thought as Felicia came back over.
"Did you get tickets?" Britney asked as soon as Felicia was in sight again.
"All the flights to Louisiana were full." Britney's face fell, but Felicia continued. "But there were three seats available on a flight to Utah, it leaves in 30 minutes." Britney was confused only momentarily, then she smiled.
Ashley.
He knew it was his fault, but he couldn't even bring himself to mutter the word 'breakup'. It just hurt too much.
"You okay man?" Mike asked him with a concerned look.
Justin gave his best the-show-must-go-on smile and answered, "Yeah, just tired that's all. I just want to go to the Hotel and sleep."
Mike didn't believe him for one minute, and Justin knew this. His assumption was affirmed when Mike spoke again. "Justin, she may be gone from the city, but she will always be in your heart."
"Yeah, I know." Justin gave a sad smile, "But I wish I knew if I was in hers."
Britney Spears, international pop star 'that was at least what the magazine she had read earlier called her' was sitting in the blue and white, very cramped coach seats of a commercial airplane.
She saw the stares and heard the hushed voices of the passengers behind her, but she was going to ignore it, she had other things on her mind. She knew that Felicia and Rob were less happy about their travel arrangements. Flying commercial meant tighter security for Rob; and well, Felicia had become very accustom to the comfort of the private jet. She, unlike Britney, was welcome to go back to whatever life she chose. Britney still wondered if she would ever be free of the world she had put herself into.
She loved being a singer, but people didn't realize that this wasn't something she could ever stop doing. She could stop singing, but it would always be there. Everyone would always know her name, and her entire life. She would never get it back.
But she had realized that too late.
Britney tried to stop her depressing thoughts, and reached for the magazines in front of her seat. She regretted that decision instantly as she thumbed through her limited choices. Each one had her face on the cover, each one had a different story, and each one was a lie; but more than that, they all had Justin's face smiling up at her too. She forcefully shoved them back into the pocket of the seat in front of her.
Fe leaned forward from her seat across the aisle. "You okay?" she whispered in her best motherly tone. Britney gave a small smile, just like Lynne Spears, Felicia hasn't yet figured out that Britney isn't a 12-year-old who can't fend for herself. But she's just being protective, overprotective, but protective none the least so Britney just laughed softly at her.
"I'm fine Fe, are you sure YOUR okay?"
Felicia frowned, "I didn't realize that I was so used to traveling in the big, luxury jet, with comfy leather seats, and a full refrigerator, and room to spread out and sleep...." Britney giggled as Felicia rambled on.
"It doesn't matter to me, I can sleep anywhere and I intend to sleep through this flight. Goodnight Fe." Britney told her, curling up as best she could, turning on her CD player, and making herself comfortable with the little blue blanket the stewardess had given her.
Britney hadn't seen Ashley since a week after the accident, but she was still shocked at how someone could hurt Ashley so badly. Her left leg still had the blue cast covering most of it, and the blue cast on her right arm was mostly covered by the sling that Ashley had around her neck. The bruises that still hadn't completely gone, had probably been covered by makeup earlier, could still be seen faintly.
Ashley saw Britney and she smiled. "Britney! What are you doing here?!"
"I came to see how my best friend has been doing." Britney said, carefully giving her a hug. "I guess I haven't been being a very good friend to you, have I?"
"You've had your own problems to deal with." Ashley said with a shrug, as Britney sat in the chair beside her bed.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm great, but what about YOU?" Ashley asked, and Britney squirmed slightly under Ashley's gaze.
"I'm fine. I don't know what your talking about." Britney answered finally, giving an all too fake smile.
Ashley glared at her, "You once told me that if I was going to use a fake smile, it better be good. Your not doing a very good job Britney, and you could never fool me. So tell me, how are YOU doing?"
"I told you I'm fine." Britney shrugged. "I'm not the one with two casts, and bruises on me." She tried to change the subject from herself.
"No," Ashley answered slowly, "but sometimes it's the hurt inside that hurts the most, and that can't be fixed by doctors. And it does hurt, doesn't it Britney?"
Britney looked away, the light reflecting the tears in her eyes as slowly she nodded. Ashley held her good arm out, and Britney climbed on the bed and cried on her shoulder. When she seemed to be calming down, Ashley handed her a tissue.
"Thanks." Britney whispered.
Ashley moved her left hand to push her hair behind her ear, and Britney saw something silver on her pinky finger.
Her ring.
Ashley noticed her look, and slid the ring off of her finger, opening Britney's hand she placed it in her palm.
"Justin gave it to me to keep safe, until he could give it back to you." She told her 'not the whole truth' with sad eyes. "Britney, I know that Justin made some wrong choices, but maybe if you'd just give him a chance..."
"I will not. And you can keep the ring," Britney tossed it on the blanket. "Justin made his choice, and I will not be the one holding him back."
Britney left the room, and Ashley stared at the ring.
This ring, the simple silver band, it had held so much promise. She remembered when Britney had first showed it to her, it had been sparkling and new then, but now, though it still looked new, it had lost it's sparkle. It had went away with the love the ring showed. She remembered just after her accident, when she had found out about Britney and Justin, she had talked to both, but now her conversation with Justin played in her head....
"Justin I can't take this, It's Britney's ring."
Justin gave a bitter laugh, "It was Britney's ring, until she threw it at me."
"If your not going to take it back, will you put in my jewelry box, you can get it when you give it back to Britney."
"No, I want you to wear it, like Britney did. You have been the only person that wanted me and Britney to stay together all these years. You have been the one keeping us going when it seemed hopeless with everything going on around us. You should have Britney's ring." Justin slid it on her pinky finger before she protested any more.
Ashley remembered always wanting to just touch the ring, it was something that she had loved, as much as her two friends. Lance had told her that he wanted to buy her one like it, but she had objected, it was something for Britney and Justin, it wouldn't be the same.
Slowly, Ashley slid the ring back onto her pinky, she curled up under her blanket, but she wouldn't sleep. Though the real nightmare of her accident was over, the ones that tortured her dreams were sometimes worse.
"Sure, I guess. What would you like to hear?" He asked, knowing he was lying.
"I know you don't have the other guys from Nsync here, but could you please sing 'Gone'?"
Justin's eyes closed momentarily; of all the songs! Why that one? Don't they know how much it hurts just to think about that song? Don't they know it tears apart my heart when I have to sing that? The answer is yes, though I am dying inside about me and Britney, they are all happy.
Justin looked at the girl once again, at first glance, she had reminded him of Ashley, now he knew that she was not Ashley. She just wanted him because he was Justin Timberlake. But, knowing he couldn't refuse to sing the song, he nodded slowly, as the first few notes to 'Gone' started to play.
There's a thousand words that I could say to make you come home, yeah
Seems so long ago you walked away and left me alone
And I remember what you said to me, you were acting so strange
And maybe I was too blind to see that you needed a change
Was it something I said to make you turn away
To make you walk out and leave me cold
If I could just find a way to make it so you were right here, right now
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I'm tryin' my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane, wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains, you're...
Gone
Now I don't wanna make excuses, baby
Won't change the fact that you're gone
But if there's something that I could do, won't you please let me know
Time is passing so slowly now, guess that's my life without you
And maybe I could change my everyday, but baby I don't want to
So I'll just hang around and find some things to do
To take my mind off missing you
And I know in my heart, you can't say that you don't love me too
Please say you do, yeah
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I'm tryin' my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane, wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains, you're...
Gone
What will I do if I can't be with you?
Tell me where will I turn to, baby who will I be
Now that we are apart, am I still in your heart?
Baby why can't you see that I need you here with me?
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I'm tryin' my best to be a man and be stron
I drove myself insane, wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains, you're...
Justin paused before he sang the last word of the song. Britney was gone, and as he searched the place where she would be if she were here, he knew it again. She was...
Gone.
Justin finished, but held up his hands to prevent more questions. "I really need to get going. Thank you all so much for your support, and I hope you like my new album!"
Liar, you know that there is only one person that you made that album for, and she refuses to listen to it.
Justin walked off of the stage that had been made in one of the music stores in LA, he was immediately surrounded by bodyguards, but he didn't even notice, he was so used to it.
"You okay J man?" He heard Mike ask.
"I haven't been okay since the day she left." He answered listlessly. He knew he wasn't being fair to everyone else in just thinking completely about her. But he didn't care, his life was ruined, and there was nothing he could do to get her back.
Mike gave his young friend a sad look. The boy was young yes, but to call him a boy would be an understatement. He had turned 22 in January, and though Mike still thought of him as a boy, seeing him talk this way made him realize how much these people he protected had to go through, just to do what they loved. But he also knew that Justin would give up everything he had right now, just to have Britney back. And no matter how old or young you are, in Mike's book, that makes you a man.
Britney was sleeping in the spare room up stairs in Ashley's house, and she heard her sobbing screams in the middle of the night. Running into the room, she found Ashley sitting up, crying, apparently still asleep.
"Ashley, it's okay." She said softly to her friend. "Your safe." Britney sat on the bed beside her, and Ashley buried her face in her shoulder crying.
"Britney! You're here! He tried to take you away, and I couldn't do anything. Britney, you didn't love him, you can't do that!" Ashley rambled on about things that made no sense to Britney.
"Ashley stop, it's okay. I'm here, and I'm fine. No one is going to take me, or you." Britney assured her young friend, smoothing her hair as she talked. "We're all safe." She whispered softly.
Ashley stopped talking, but she continued to cry, and her body collapsed into Britney's arms. Finally she had calmed down enough that Britney had to ask, "Ashley, what happened?"
"You went with him. Justin was there, and some other guy, you went with him. He didn't love you, he was going to hurt you, and Justin just walked away. I told you not to go, but then he started to pull you away, he wasn't going to let you go, and I couldn't stop him. You didn't love him...he was going to hurt you." Ashley started to cry again.
"Who was he?"
"I don't know, I never saw his face. But he was going to hurt you."
"Ashley, stop, he can't hurt me."
"But you didn't love him. You won't ever go with someone you don't love, will you?" Ashley was always the romantic, but tonight Britney couldn't handle her talk about love.
"How do you know I didn't love him?" Britney asked her as gently as she could.
"You can't love someone else when your heart belongs to Justin." Ashley told her softly, and Britney was shocked by her simple statement, but she continued. "Anyone else, no matter who, would hurt you."
"Justin hurt me." Britney said before she could stop herself. At the look in Ashley's eyes, she quickly changed the subject. "It's okay Ashley, it was just a nightmare." Britney told her, trying to get her to calm down, when exactly the opposite happened.
"That's what everyone told me before!" She told Britney fiercely. "When I told you about my dreams, you all just said they were nightmare's. And look what happened!" Britney glanced at Ashley's bruises and casts. "Britney, when you live a nightmare, you can tell me that it was just a dream. When you have gone through everything to get your life back to the way it was before, I want you to tell me that it can be as easily forgotten as those dreams you have about Justin every night, and don't deny it, you know he is everywhere around you. Even in your dreams!" Ashley was almost shouting at her, and Britney knew she was right, but she wasn't going to admit that. "Go away Britney!" Ashley pushed her, then she turned over on her bed, not looking at Britney as she sobbed.
But she just got a blanket from the closet, and made herself comfortable in the chair by the bed.
